6 December 2005


as far as i can tell, i'm the only person i know who has a phobia of steve martin. it is, as all phobias tend to be, a slightly irrational fear... the threat steve martin poses to me is far smaller than the fear i have of him. i examined this fear the other night, and this song emerged. (it has backing vox, in brackets, too!!!)



dear steve
i don't like you (ooo wah-ooo wah-ooo)
in fact i despise you (steve)
they say all these things about you
you're talented (talented)
intelligent (intelligent)
but you're american
i hate your voice, your smirk, your smile
i hate your hair - it's too damned white

steve (steve)
i don't like you (no, no, no, she doesn't like you, no, no, no)
in fact despise you (steve)
they say all these things
they say you're funny but you're not
i heard a twelve year old girl say she thought you were hot (oh no)
please steve, get off my tv, get out of the movies
go and play golf or something
somewhere (somewhere)
i don't have to hear of you ever again (shoobee doowee doowop)

please steve, i'm begging you
begging you to go and do
something that doesn't require you to be seen by me
you're giving me nightmares (nightmares)
your horrible white hair (white hair)
your hideous smirking sneer
(wah-ooo) you're old and ugly
(wah-oo) you're worse than bill murray
(wah-ooo) at least he's funny
sometimes (sometimes)

get off (get off, get off) the magazines
get off (get off, get off) the tv
get off (get off, get off) the movies
before i hurt your feelings

steve (steve)
i don't like you (no, no, no, she doesn't like you, no, no, no)
in fact i despise you


pretty mean, aren't i?


  1. i like steve martin
    i like your song

    europe was divided over less...

  2. i like your song but i think you are a bit harsh on bill murray. bill murray is a god and mentioning him in the same sentence as steve martin is an insult that i am prepared to duel you over. on guard!

  3. time to duel
    now we get serious
    time to duel
    you'r not invincible, yeah...

  4. or even "you're not invincible"

  5. I read with interest, the lyrics of your ode to me, and I am humbled that you would dedicate such an enormous amount of your time to me in song.

    Love me or hate me you still wrote about me...you still think about me...& I am honoured.

    ..love steve.

  6. wow! it's really steve!!!


    steve! steve! will you sign this flyer for "cheaper by the dozen 2"??? i love your work!